Logic and Wisdom are not available at this time. Please resort to Useless Emotions and try again later.

I can't tell you how many times I've started writing a blog and just quit part way through. I get so tired of thoughts sometimes. I should transcribe the 2 page, small font handwritten junk I scribbled down the day I forgot my purse, which had everything important in it. Yeah...

So I hung out with my friend Robert for the first time in far too long and we went over to the institute, played two rounds of pool (both of which I lost) and a game of chess (which, in some miscalculation of time and space, I WON!). Then we went and saw AstroBoy, which was pretty good. Not spectacular, but good. Star Trek 2009 came out on DVD yesterday. I think my inner trekkie hates me for not purchasing it. But my aunt and uncle got it and are bringing it on vacation for us this weekend! SCORE!!! After the movie we grabbed Quiznos and went to my house to just chill, play videogames, snack, talk, whatever. I get all worried I'm not being a good hostess when I have friends over and I think I ramble on and talk too much.

But for whatever reason lately, I've been dreading being alone. I know, but I can't help it. I think my biological clock and hormones are conspiring against me. Like, I want someone. I WANT a boyfriend, a best friend, a future. And I want it now. But I know that isn't gonna happen. If I were to become close enough to someone for that to happen that quickly, I think I'd die of shock. I believe it would be correct, in part, to blame my friend's recent wedding. I was incredibly happy. Happier than I've been seeing the two of them be married. It was beautiful. I want that. I want happiness. I'm such a selfish homo sapien. There are people in this world with far less than I materially and yet they are content to have family, God, enough food to eat.... It hasn't been until most recently that I've truely believed I am selfish and material. A year ago, if I lost everything I had in a fire but everyone was safe, I would be fine. Today, lately, if that were to happen, I think I would be lost. Which so illogical. We can't take anything with us when we die. More than not, 90% of what we own or want is not necessary to our survival. But I still want more. Once again though, a stupid emotion.

Stupid emotions. And hormones. I hate mushy feelings too. They are worthless when there is no one to share them with. My soulmate is out there. And more or less, I feel like I have yet to earn him. I don't deserve anyone as I am now. I'm such a hypocrite, telling people that you have to love yourself as you are before you can fully focus your love on someone else.


Illogical. Life is so damn illogical.


My goal is to become content again. May my amibitious nature help me.