Considerations

YAY! It was really nice yesterday, as I got to hang out with Fibi and talk. I miss her. <3

But I seem to be preoccupied by one of the topics I brought up. About my grandmother.

Now, the grandmother to whom I'm referring is not blood related to me. Not connected to us in any traditional sense of relation. We just.... adopted her. Haha! I "adopt" a lot of people in my life. My "real" grandparents were never able to be a big part of my life. Both my mother's parents were passed on before I was born and my father's parents I didn't see much--they lived in Utah. Grandpa Bennnion I knew a bit until he passed away when I was 8(?) or so. My Grandma Bennion passed away in more recent years (3 now, i think...) but as I got older I saw her less and less. I don't blame anyone for any reason, but I have always felt cheated out of having grandparents of my own. My siblings and I have each taken to adopting various grandparents in our lives. And over time, we have either lost touch with them or they have gone to God. Death, it seems, gets harder to understand and accept as I've gotten older. In part, I am torn between true sorrow and my belief that I will see those I love again after this mortal life. I know I will. That doesn't make it any easier.

My grandpa and grandma West. These two wonderful individuals are the grandparents I speak of nowadays when I talk about cleaning their house every other saturday. Only last year did grandpa West pass away and was relived from this mortal pain to be in God's hands again. I had a hard time with his passing. It's embarrassing to admit, but I think I had a harder time with his passing then my Grandma Bennion..... Nonetheless, my faith and deep love have carried me through to today and continue to carry me on, knowing my love for them will not die and that I will see them again.

This aside, I have only grown closer and more attached to my Grandma West since the passing of Grandpa last year. Until more recently, I've only seen the pros to this attachment. A couple weeks ago, my grandma went in for a routine colonoscopy. They found many issues that needed repair and rushed her to the hospital for some more tests before confirming what surgery was needed and how they would go about it. The surgery itself, performed less than 24 hours later, went very well and was very successful, really. My grandma is old, however, and she has had a more difficult time than anticipated to recover. I visited less than a handful of times while my mother visited practically everyday. I was busy, but I had plenty of chances and time to visit. However, I don't think I could have brought myself to it. I hate hospitals. I avoid them at all costs. I don't like the smell. The white, dizzying hallways give me a headache almost instantly and you can smell Death. Feel death. I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

My grandma's biological children (all are grown with their own kids, a handful of those who are grown) have finally stepped up to the plate and travelled from their homes in Idaho and Utah and other locations to take care of her this past week or so. This past Sunday, my grandma asked that my family go to her house to meet her two daughters and that she had some things for us. I had a friend over (shelby) so I was exempt. Turns out, as bad as I feel for having not gone, I'm relived I didn't go. She gave us some jewelry and personal affects she has treasured, with the approval of her daughters. A list has been started to divy up her remaining treasures. My mom has told me there are a few things we are getting for christmas or birthdays.

It's all fine and well. She isn't in terrible condition at all. Just getting older. Just scared from the recent hospital event. But it has got me thinking. Got the future on my mind. And I'm worried... more or less. There is talk of her kids taking her and what remains of her belongings and their inheritances up to Idaho to live out the remainder of her days. If this should happen, I fear it will be the last time I see her before she is brought back here to bury (unless they decide to bury her there, against her wishes). Sure, I can talk to her on the phone, but what happens when she is no longer able to communicate that way? On the other hand, I want her to go and get to know her grandkids. I don't want them to be cheated of a grandmother. She is theirs, not mine. I will miss her. I do just thinking about these possibilities.

Just a forewarning. When something happens, if something happens, I have a feeling I'm going to have a very, very hard time this round. I don't know for sure, but since I can already feel that crack growing larger in my heart, I want to be as ready as possible for an outpour. I dread it. It will come. It will be impossibly difficult. It will pass.


She gave me a pendant. A real silver chain with a crystal cut pendant. I love it. I want to cry.