The Biggest Loser

Is probably the best reality show there is. It honestly helps people become healthy and inspire and teach others to follow in their footsteps. I am inspired. But it's so hard to start... it's hard to stick with it. Especially when everyone around you is saying exactly the same thing--I'm gonna change, i'm gonna do it--and then doesn't. It's as if just the thought makes you feel healthier, because you believe you've made a decision that you need to be heathy. Which is one small step towards actually doing something about it, but it is not enough to really lift it off the ground. Giving a rocketship any less than is needed to lift-off and maintain until breaking atmo is not going to make said rocketship achieve orbit.

I have a lot of self image issues, which I simply don't talk about. Anytime I even mention them, no one lets me verbally or emotionally work through them. They just tell me "no, you're beautiful!" "don't even say that! you know it's not true!" or "you think you've got issues! look at me!" "don't even complain, i'm way worse off than you are!" and it all just gets buried under another new pile of destructive emotions and thoughts about my self-image. And the worst part--there is no answer. There is no answer that will make me feel any better. Nothing I do helps. If I eat my sorrow I get fatter and unhealthier. If I starve myself I get weaker and unhealthier. Both lead to unhappiness. I've tried both routes. And since my personal experience has proven that neither helps, I've tried to just be happy with how and who I am. But I'm not.

I want to change. Something deep inside of me WANTS so badly to change. To be better. And yet, I catch myself unconsciously plugging up the leak that it sprung from. What can I do? I really wish I had someone, one of my besties or a family member or neighbor or something, to push against. Someone I can push to be better and someone who will push me. I can't do it by myself. I'm good at convincing myself I'm strong, however there is a significant lack of evidence that this is true from my actions and the actions are what count.

This is one reason I need a boyfriend... then I'll have a reason to impress, a reason to better myself. There is no point in bettering myself FOR myself. I have to do it for someone else. Which doesn't make much sense when you think about the fact that I don't feel like I deserve a boyfriend until I'm happy with who I am in the first place. I'm sure that once I have someone else to be better for i'll come to understand that even alone I am personally worth it, but my self worth is atrociously low--certainly no trustworthy parachute to be jumping with...

Which, once again, reminds me that I have yet to find a date for my work Christmas party... I really don't want to go alone. I have until the 11th. The 11th is also my mom's birthday, so besides the fact that I don't have a date for the party, I'm missing my mom's birthday cuz I'll be at work all day and then out celebrating without her. :( I have some major making-up to do after that....... :( So, anyone free? :(

Is it just me? Seriously, does no one else struggle with this as I do? It certainly feels like it...
I'm such a loser.