I feel like my life is a chick flick waiting to happen. But it isn't. I sit here waiting for that hope of the happy ending we know is supposed to come from a chick flick, but it isn't happening. God went from having a sense of humor, to having an interest in soaps. Is this supposed to be an intense dramatic comedy or something? Cuz honestly, it isn't even that intense. Just pathetic. And sad. We are stuck. Sam is stuck. I am stuck. And no one is getting anywhere fast. In a way, it feels like I'm progressing and he is recoiling? It's funny because it started out opposite--with him being quite forward and excited and eager and myself being reserved and hesitant and an internal emotional wreck. Now HE is the emotional wreck who is turning everything inward, distancing himself from me while I am gaining some courage and pushing to spend time near him, finally gaining a bit of leverage over myself and opening up. I was afraid of this though--somehow, I knew this would happen before I even consciously knew it would happen. Somehow, I knew Sam was covering up a lot of pain and anger and hurt from whatever the heck happened between him and the last girl. I mean, you don't tell me how catty and horrible she is and how much you hate her yet have been engaged to her and given me up once before that to work things out with her only to say she hasn't affected you. I think this is a hard life lesson for him and hopefully a humbling experience which he will grow from. He admitted to me that he always thought cliché's were stupid but is learning the hard way that things are cliché because they are true. Like the whole being emotionally numb thing or "it's not you, it's me". Well, that leaves me in limbo. He says he wants to have feelings me but that sometimes he doesn't even want to look at me. That was a small pang, but that bit I do understand. He said he is "emotionally unavailable" right now and he hates it. He wants me to have a fair chance, but the truth of it is that I don't. And we both agree that sucks.
In the back of my mind is constantly that dream of Bro. Cypert's. I know I can't rely on other people's opinions or advice yet alone dreams and really I should be praying to get my own answers (which I am, but I should probably be doing more adamantly and with more devotion) but I just can't help but put a little stock in his dream. As I have mentioned in the past, he is a spiritual Viking! And I wonder if he wasn't prompted to tell me about his dream for my sake...
Friday, April 12, 2013
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