Been quite a while since writing a post here... but I have written quite a lot in my journal(s).
I bore my testimony for the second time in Glendale 7th Ward today. And I know we shouldn't be prideful about it, but I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I got up and did it and I'm proud of what I learned about myself by getting up and sharing. Each time I bear my testimony, I find I'm preparing less and less and going more with the spirit and WOW my testimony seems better each time. Guess that is something I should've learned a long time ago, but better late than never. So in my testimony, I mentioned that I got some personal revelation at MEGA institute out in Rancho Cucamonga this last Thursday. I've been praying all month for the desire to get up and bear my testimony today, for the desire to go to the temple and read my scriptures... only to realize that I don't need the desire because it has always been there. The Holy Ghost has been fanning the flames for a long time and telling me "what more do you expect me to do?" and I haven't even noticed. Until now. Instead of praying for that desire, since I already have it, I just need to do it. I just need to bear my testimony. I need to just go to the temple. I just need to sit down and read my scriptures. I shared that just this morning, I made a point of getting up earlier to have time to read my scriptures and I finished reading the last chapter where I left off when I last tried to read my scriptures 5 years ago (I got up to Mosiah ch 3, btw, but I didn't specify for them). I bore my testimony that I know each and every person in the congregation has that desire burning in them and I know that because we have each already made one of the most important eternal choices--to come to Earth as part of Heavenly Father's plan. I also bore my testimony of the Atonement and how grateful I am for it because while it is so easy to make mistakes, Heavenly Father has made it easy for us to come back if we choose to. Amen. --I got all choked up when I mentioned the desire always being there and my gratitude for the Atonement. I have never been one to cry or get choked up, but as I feel my heart softening and my spirit strengthening, I'm not so stubborn or embarrassed about it. In fact, I think it is a strength, to a degree. There were several people who thanked me for my testimony or said it was good. I didn't necessarily do it for anyone but myself, but if it benefitted others, that's even better.
Now as for my love life, which I can't help but write about since it occupies far too much of my thoughts---I don't know anymore. I'm convinced I haven't gotten a clear yes or no regarding Sam. Maybe the answer is maybe? That it just depends on the choices either he or I make. Honestly, I'm still dying to be with him. I really, truly care about him--I dare say I love him. But at this very point in time, I don't see us ending up together. Which breaks my heart. That being said, I've been asked out twice in the last 4 days. Tyrone Berry is a ballroom dance teacher I met at MEGA institute Thursday and we're trying to figure out a time to go out or "run into each other" since he usually works and likely won't be back at institute. And Ben Schmidt, whom I talked to two weeks ago at church and who asked if I had a bf, then proceeded to ask me out when I told him no. So we will likely go out on either Tuesday or Wednesday. I gave Sam's friend Jimi Degozari a ride home but he wanted to stay at break the fast, so I ended up staying and socializing with Lisa Bigelow one of the RS counselors and Whitney Donald whom I will forever love and respect because she taught the first several RS lessons when I started attending the ward. Now, I wouldn't go as far as to say I love G7 or single's ward, but I finally feel like I'm wear the Lord thinks I should be to progress in life. I'm one of the RS teachers now, after subbing once a month or two ago. Next sunday is my first lesson, Ch. 14 of Teachings of the Presidents: Lorenzo Snow "With God All Things Are Possible".
...I seriously have no idea where I will end up in any of this. I know, of course, that which I'd *like* to happen, but I'm really REALLY trying to align my will with that of the Lord and to have faith in His plan. All of this is so easy to say, but applying it to my life is a challenge. I'm making progress, little by little. But I'm so glad to be moving forward instead of going backward or being stagnant.
Trying to embrace this spirit of fire I can feel inside.
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